Trying To Let You Go.

Out of all the people I fell in love with, you were the one who I pictured a life with. Not any life, but the life I’ve always wanted. You were the one that I felt something with I have never felt before. You were the one where it made sense. You were the one of my dreams. You were a wish that came true too soon. A dream that turned to a nightmare, a disappointment, a heartache.

Please believe me when I say that I forgive you. 

I don’t hate you, but I most definitely hate the way you let me go. 

And I’ll never understand how easily you did it. I’ll never understand how flawlessly you forgot about me. But, I forgive you because I really loved you. I forgive you because I don’t want to give you power over the person I am and the future I could possibly have. I forgive you because I don’t need you to tell me what the truth is. I forgive you because that’s just who I am.
This is me letting you go. I’m accepting the fact that you don’t want me. That someday, you’ll be waking-up next to someone who isn’t me. And that someday you’ll be someone’s everything. I’m letting go of hope that you’ll contact me. I’m letting go of fantasizing that you’ll tell me you’re sorry about everything just one last time. That you’ll tell me how much you missed me, but most importantly, that you’ll show it. I’m letting go of my desire that you’ll let me in, not half-way, not sort of but completely. I’m letting go of me thinking that you’ll come back because it’s always been me. I’m letting you go. And it’s not because I don’t love you still.
I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I know that without you, I am not happy. I need to find my medium place where I am happy regardless. A place without memories of you in it, a place without a picture of you in it as well. I need to start over.
I’m letting you go because you gave-up. You gave-up on me, you gave-up on us, you gave-up on love. And so I get it when you said you had nothing to fight for. I’m letting you go because loving you has no meaning if it only pains me. Because I can’t tell what’s real anymore. And because it’s my last resort. I’m letting you go because slowly but surely you too, let me go. 

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I Was A Maybe, You We’re My First Choice.

‪Falling in love with someone who is confused or unsure is probably one of the most damaging things you can involuntarily do. It’s setting yourself up for heartbreak and a future of always feeling not quite good enough; it’s admitting your feelings to someone and being given both hope and rejection in the same breath. It’s telling them you’ll wait when you’re not even sure what you’re waiting for; its sacrificing your self-worth, your dignity and your ability to ever be respected by them for that voice inside your head which tells you they will one day make up their mind, they will one day love you back in all of the ways you love them.‬

‪It is knowing from day one that they don’t care about you, but reading all of the signs which tell you they want you. It is too intense, it’s just a slip away from rose petal covered bed sheets and trips to Paris and then being told they don’t know what they want.‬

‪It’s realizing that it was never just about you, it was about everything, it was about the chase and the excitement and how forbidden it felt.‬

‪It was about standing on the edge of oblivion and getting the adrenline racing through his veins at the thought of pulling you into the bar toilets and screwing you.‬

It was simply only about him and what he needed- sex and flirtation and an empty escape from his life.‬

‪But for you, oh sweet girl, for you it was everything. It was the first day you laid eyes on him—his smile stretching across his too perfect face and making you feel things you had only ever read about. It was those excited texts to your friends about the hot new guy who had appeared in your life and discussing marriage and babies in that jokey way you always do when you become infatuated with someone new. It was trying to fit your life around the possibility of you becoming something, it was rearranging schedules just so you could spend another hour with him and that first night he held your hand. It was realizing all of the things you had in common and thinking to yourself, “this is it, he’s the one,” even though deep down you knew he would never be yours.‬

‪It was telling yourself that something this beautiful, this magical, this so damned near perfect had to work out because life couldn’t be that cruel.‬

‪But it was also those nights spent mindlessly watching your phone—waiting for his name to flash up and only getting a radio silence because he was with some other girl entirely. It was telling yourself time and time again that you were done, that you deserved to be more than a maybe, a late-night sext session, and then deleting his number, only to respond within two minutes when he started flirting again because you felt those fireworks exploding inside of you and they were so addictive, you were afraid of that emptiness when he stopped.‬

‪It was sending half-naked photos just to get his attention and then hating yourself when his response wasn’t what you wanted because that day. It was lying to everyone around you when they told you to stop, that it was killing you, that you were withdrawn and obsessed and falling apart. It was convincing yourself that you weren’t in love with him, that you just wanted a bit of fun because that’s all it ever was, but when you saw him again, you felt that rush of intense desire and chemistry, and you couldn’t deny it anymore because as much as you wished you could be okay with being his friend with benefits, you wanted to be his world.‬

‪It was playing the cool girl because you didn’t want him to think you can’t handle something emotionless and fun. It was taping your mouth shut when all you wanted to do was scream. It was crying yourself to sleep when he stopped replying to your texts, when he told you he wanted to be “just friends” even though yesterday he was smacking your ass and telling you you’re beautiful. It was forever trying to make sense of his mixed messages and supporting him when he was struggling, even though it was tearing you apart.‬

‪It’s wondering what in the hell is wrong with you, why you always fall for guys who don’t have room for you, for something real or serious, those men who just need a woman to comfort them when their life isn’t making sense.‬

‪It’s never feeling steady in any future relationship you have because you are just waiting for someone better than you to capture their eye because you know what men are capable of. It’s always feeling just that little bit worthless because you are always the girl who is not enough, who is only good for the sex and the 3am texts and the stolen kisses when no-one is looking.‬

‪It’s starting to believe that you will never be someone’s first choice, that you don’t deserve to be. It’s slowly feeling afraid of loving, of giving yourself to someone because you don’t know if they will give pieces of themselves back and more than that, it’s not knowing if there is even anything left to give.‬

‪It’s feeling broken and scarred, and not knowing a way back.

An Open Letter To The Guy That Destroyed Me.

Dear “You”,

In the very beginning, I didn’t want a relationship. I was so terrified of being hurt that I pushed you away, and told you that it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to keep my distance, and tried to avoid you as much as I possibly could.

That didn’t change anything though. You wore me down, and broke down every single wall that I had built around my heart to protect me.

At the time I thought you had just cared so much, and wanted to try at a relationship with me, but looking back I can see you just wanted to build me up in order for you to tear me right back down.

So, we dated, and at first I thought it was everything I could ever want. I was on cloud nine, and I thought I had made the right choice in letting you in.

I was wrong.

The truth is, you didn’t really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me and you loved what I could do for you. Maybe you loved having me around because I would do absolutely anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have destroyed me the way you did. That’s not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself.  I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn’t ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used to stay still echo inside of my head. “She’s prettier than you…I used you…The sex isn’t good…I don’t normally date girls your size…” Do you remember saying those words to me? I sure as hell do.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me.

You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn’t.

You destroyed me. And I hated you for it.

I hated you so much that the very thought of you made my blood boil. I was going  down a path I had never gone down before and it scared me. Everything you had put me through made me hate you so much that I became bitter. I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be, someone I was growing to hate.

So I tried to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you even deserved it. I tried to forgive you for myself. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren’t sorry.

I learned a lot in letting you go, so much that I couldn’t see because my world revolved around you completely.

The day you left me, it was the worst day of my life. But I see now that you saved me that day and I thank you for that. I was lost in loving you that I couldn’t see that you were only hurting me. With every text you had to hide, every lie you told, every girl you saw behind my back, and every harsh word you would speak to me, and somewhere down the road I accepted that it was what I deserved.

That saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” had never been so true in my life. I knew that I had to change. I needed to take a breather and get back to the girl I wanted to be, not the girl that I became in loving a monster.

I deserve so much more than you could have ever given me. Goodbye made me strong.

I really hope that one day you realize how badly you treated me.

I wish you lots of luck in whatever you’re doing now, and I hope that you’re not a douche forever.

Sincerely,

The girl you destroyed.

I’ll Never Regret That I Was Once Yours.

I’ll never regret that you were once my love. I have to admit that you once filled me up with more happiness than I thought was possible. You taught me how to love again and you made me feel loved, truly loved. The moment that I saw you I never thought that you’d bring so much happiness to my life. I wasn’t looking for anything at all when I met you and I had no plan to commit myself in a relationship. Things happened and I realized I was catching feelings for you, I already had you in my heart. I’ve learned a lot from you during the time of us being together. I was shattered and beyond broke, like I am yet again, but you made me whole. I was lost, but you made me find my way to life again. I was so scared to fall in love with you, but you gave me courage to take the risk.  So glad that I took the risk, I considered myself the luckiest girl alive for having you. I was having the time of my life just simply by being near you. You brought sunshine into my life, you were there for me every step of the way. You taught me how to be patient. You made me even stronger and you made my life a whole lot better. You’re the kind of guy that every girl would wish to have. You were once my champ, my MVP, my happy pill, my strength, my superman, my shopping buddy and my inspiration to keep going whenever I’m tired of living. In short, you were once my everything. I didn’t have enough time with you, but I never regret even a single moment of it.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, no matter how we want it to be. We had ups and downs. Our relationship is neither always a walk in the park nor a bed of roses. There are times that we would test each other. Sudden changes came our way, long fights took place; caught up by immaturity, jealousy, misunderstandings and other toxic things which lead us to unending arguments. We got conflicted in different points of view so much that we barely understood each other. We failed to work things out and now we have to live our life without each other. We have to go our own way, find ourselves and work on it. Those times when there was a you and me was my favorite chapter of my life. I’m glad it happened, I’m glad we once crossed each other’s path. I’m forever thankful that you were once mine. Thank you for the memories, for the laughter, for the lessons and everything else. We might not understand the purpose of it right now, but eventually I know we will. Maybe you’re not mine to keep and that you just walked into my life to teach me some lessons. Everything will be clear in due time. It may hurt and we may shed a few tears, but eventually, everything will be alright. I know we can get through it. Time to heal, time to mend our broken hearts, and time to make a brand new start. I hope that years from now when we bump into each other again we’re both fine. My favorite chapter has now come to an end. But maybe, just maybe, we can consider a sequel.

Here’s to moving forward…