In the very beginning, I didn’t want a relationship. I was so terrified of being hurt that I pushed you away, and told you that it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to keep my distance, and tried to avoid you as much as I possibly could.
That didn’t change anything though. You wore me down, and broke down every single wall that I had built around my heart to protect me.
At the time I thought you had just cared so much, and wanted to try at a relationship with me, but looking back I can see you just wanted to build me up in order for you to tear me right back down.
So, we dated, and at first I thought it was everything I could ever want. I was on cloud nine, and I thought I had made the right choice in letting you in.
I was wrong.
The truth is, you didn’t really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me and you loved what I could do for you. Maybe you loved having me around because I would do absolutely anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have destroyed me the way you did. That’s not love.
I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself. I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?
You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn’t ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used to stay still echo inside of my head. “She’s prettier than you…I used you…The sex isn’t good…I don’t normally date girls your size…” Do you remember saying those words to me? I sure as hell do.
I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me.
You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn’t.
You destroyed me. And I hated you for it.
I hated you so much that the very thought of you made my blood boil. I was going down a path I had never gone down before and it scared me. Everything you had put me through made me hate you so much that I became bitter. I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be, someone I was growing to hate.
So I tried to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you even deserved it. I tried to forgive you for myself. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren’t sorry.
I learned a lot in letting you go, so much that I couldn’t see because my world revolved around you completely.
The day you left me, it was the worst day of my life. But I see now that you saved me that day and I thank you for that. I was lost in loving you that I couldn’t see that you were only hurting me. With every text you had to hide, every lie you told, every girl you saw behind my back, and every harsh word you would speak to me, and somewhere down the road I accepted that it was what I deserved.
That saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” had never been so true in my life. I knew that I had to change. I needed to take a breather and get back to the girl I wanted to be, not the girl that I became in loving a monster.
I deserve so much more than you could have ever given me. Goodbye made me strong.
I really hope that one day you realize how badly you treated me.
I wish you lots of luck in whatever you’re doing now, and I hope that you’re not a douche forever.
The girl you destroyed.