Trying To Let You Go.

Out of all the people I fell in love with, you were the one who I pictured a life with. Not any life, but the life I’ve always wanted. You were the one that I felt something with I have never felt before. You were the one where it made sense. You were the one of my dreams. You were a wish that came true too soon. A dream that turned to a nightmare, a disappointment, a heartache.

Please believe me when I say that I forgive you. 

I don’t hate you, but I most definitely hate the way you let me go. 

And I’ll never understand how easily you did it. I’ll never understand how flawlessly you forgot about me. But, I forgive you because I really loved you. I forgive you because I don’t want to give you power over the person I am and the future I could possibly have. I forgive you because I don’t need you to tell me what the truth is. I forgive you because that’s just who I am.
This is me letting you go. I’m accepting the fact that you don’t want me. That someday, you’ll be waking-up next to someone who isn’t me. And that someday you’ll be someone’s everything. I’m letting go of hope that you’ll contact me. I’m letting go of fantasizing that you’ll tell me you’re sorry about everything just one last time. That you’ll tell me how much you missed me, but most importantly, that you’ll show it. I’m letting go of my desire that you’ll let me in, not half-way, not sort of but completely. I’m letting go of me thinking that you’ll come back because it’s always been me. I’m letting you go. And it’s not because I don’t love you still.
I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I know that without you, I am not happy. I need to find my medium place where I am happy regardless. A place without memories of you in it, a place without a picture of you in it as well. I need to start over.
I’m letting you go because you gave-up. You gave-up on me, you gave-up on us, you gave-up on love. And so I get it when you said you had nothing to fight for. I’m letting you go because loving you has no meaning if it only pains me. Because I can’t tell what’s real anymore. And because it’s my last resort. I’m letting you go because slowly but surely you too, let me go. 

I Was A Maybe, You We’re My First Choice.

‪Falling in love with someone who is confused or unsure is probably one of the most damaging things you can involuntarily do. It’s setting yourself up for heartbreak and a future of always feeling not quite good enough; it’s admitting your feelings to someone and being given both hope and rejection in the same breath. It’s telling them you’ll wait when you’re not even sure what you’re waiting for; its sacrificing your self-worth, your dignity and your ability to ever be respected by them for that voice inside your head which tells you they will one day make up their mind, they will one day love you back in all of the ways you love them.‬

‪It is knowing from day one that they don’t care about you, but reading all of the signs which tell you they want you. It is too intense, it’s just a slip away from rose petal covered bed sheets and trips to Paris and then being told they don’t know what they want.‬

‪It’s realizing that it was never just about you, it was about everything, it was about the chase and the excitement and how forbidden it felt.‬

‪It was about standing on the edge of oblivion and getting the adrenline racing through his veins at the thought of pulling you into the bar toilets and screwing you.‬

It was simply only about him and what he needed- sex and flirtation and an empty escape from his life.‬

‪But for you, oh sweet girl, for you it was everything. It was the first day you laid eyes on him—his smile stretching across his too perfect face and making you feel things you had only ever read about. It was those excited texts to your friends about the hot new guy who had appeared in your life and discussing marriage and babies in that jokey way you always do when you become infatuated with someone new. It was trying to fit your life around the possibility of you becoming something, it was rearranging schedules just so you could spend another hour with him and that first night he held your hand. It was realizing all of the things you had in common and thinking to yourself, “this is it, he’s the one,” even though deep down you knew he would never be yours.‬

‪It was telling yourself that something this beautiful, this magical, this so damned near perfect had to work out because life couldn’t be that cruel.‬

‪But it was also those nights spent mindlessly watching your phone—waiting for his name to flash up and only getting a radio silence because he was with some other girl entirely. It was telling yourself time and time again that you were done, that you deserved to be more than a maybe, a late-night sext session, and then deleting his number, only to respond within two minutes when he started flirting again because you felt those fireworks exploding inside of you and they were so addictive, you were afraid of that emptiness when he stopped.‬

‪It was sending half-naked photos just to get his attention and then hating yourself when his response wasn’t what you wanted because that day. It was lying to everyone around you when they told you to stop, that it was killing you, that you were withdrawn and obsessed and falling apart. It was convincing yourself that you weren’t in love with him, that you just wanted a bit of fun because that’s all it ever was, but when you saw him again, you felt that rush of intense desire and chemistry, and you couldn’t deny it anymore because as much as you wished you could be okay with being his friend with benefits, you wanted to be his world.‬

‪It was playing the cool girl because you didn’t want him to think you can’t handle something emotionless and fun. It was taping your mouth shut when all you wanted to do was scream. It was crying yourself to sleep when he stopped replying to your texts, when he told you he wanted to be “just friends” even though yesterday he was smacking your ass and telling you you’re beautiful. It was forever trying to make sense of his mixed messages and supporting him when he was struggling, even though it was tearing you apart.‬

‪It’s wondering what in the hell is wrong with you, why you always fall for guys who don’t have room for you, for something real or serious, those men who just need a woman to comfort them when their life isn’t making sense.‬

‪It’s never feeling steady in any future relationship you have because you are just waiting for someone better than you to capture their eye because you know what men are capable of. It’s always feeling just that little bit worthless because you are always the girl who is not enough, who is only good for the sex and the 3am texts and the stolen kisses when no-one is looking.‬

‪It’s starting to believe that you will never be someone’s first choice, that you don’t deserve to be. It’s slowly feeling afraid of loving, of giving yourself to someone because you don’t know if they will give pieces of themselves back and more than that, it’s not knowing if there is even anything left to give.‬

‪It’s feeling broken and scarred, and not knowing a way back.

An Open Letter To The Guy That Destroyed Me.

Dear “You”,

In the very beginning, I didn’t want a relationship. I was so terrified of being hurt that I pushed you away, and told you that it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to keep my distance, and tried to avoid you as much as I possibly could.

That didn’t change anything though. You wore me down, and broke down every single wall that I had built around my heart to protect me.

At the time I thought you had just cared so much, and wanted to try at a relationship with me, but looking back I can see you just wanted to build me up in order for you to tear me right back down.

So, we dated, and at first I thought it was everything I could ever want. I was on cloud nine, and I thought I had made the right choice in letting you in.

I was wrong.

The truth is, you didn’t really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me and you loved what I could do for you. Maybe you loved having me around because I would do absolutely anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have destroyed me the way you did. That’s not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself.  I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn’t ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used to stay still echo inside of my head. “She’s prettier than you…I used you…The sex isn’t good…I don’t normally date girls your size…” Do you remember saying those words to me? I sure as hell do.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me.

You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn’t.

You destroyed me. And I hated you for it.

I hated you so much that the very thought of you made my blood boil. I was going  down a path I had never gone down before and it scared me. Everything you had put me through made me hate you so much that I became bitter. I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be, someone I was growing to hate.

So I tried to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you even deserved it. I tried to forgive you for myself. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren’t sorry.

I learned a lot in letting you go, so much that I couldn’t see because my world revolved around you completely.

The day you left me, it was the worst day of my life. But I see now that you saved me that day and I thank you for that. I was lost in loving you that I couldn’t see that you were only hurting me. With every text you had to hide, every lie you told, every girl you saw behind my back, and every harsh word you would speak to me, and somewhere down the road I accepted that it was what I deserved.

That saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” had never been so true in my life. I knew that I had to change. I needed to take a breather and get back to the girl I wanted to be, not the girl that I became in loving a monster.

I deserve so much more than you could have ever given me. Goodbye made me strong.

I really hope that one day you realize how badly you treated me.

I wish you lots of luck in whatever you’re doing now, and I hope that you’re not a douche forever.

Sincerely,

The girl you destroyed.

I’ll Never Regret That I Was Once Yours.

I’ll never regret that you were once my love. I have to admit that you once filled me up with more happiness than I thought was possible. You taught me how to love again and you made me feel loved, truly loved. The moment that I saw you I never thought that you’d bring so much happiness to my life. I wasn’t looking for anything at all when I met you and I had no plan to commit myself in a relationship. Things happened and I realized I was catching feelings for you, I already had you in my heart. I’ve learned a lot from you during the time of us being together. I was shattered and beyond broke, like I am yet again, but you made me whole. I was lost, but you made me find my way to life again. I was so scared to fall in love with you, but you gave me courage to take the risk.  So glad that I took the risk, I considered myself the luckiest girl alive for having you. I was having the time of my life just simply by being near you. You brought sunshine into my life, you were there for me every step of the way. You taught me how to be patient. You made me even stronger and you made my life a whole lot better. You’re the kind of guy that every girl would wish to have. You were once my champ, my MVP, my happy pill, my strength, my superman, my shopping buddy and my inspiration to keep going whenever I’m tired of living. In short, you were once my everything. I didn’t have enough time with you, but I never regret even a single moment of it.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, no matter how we want it to be. We had ups and downs. Our relationship is neither always a walk in the park nor a bed of roses. There are times that we would test each other. Sudden changes came our way, long fights took place; caught up by immaturity, jealousy, misunderstandings and other toxic things which lead us to unending arguments. We got conflicted in different points of view so much that we barely understood each other. We failed to work things out and now we have to live our life without each other. We have to go our own way, find ourselves and work on it. Those times when there was a you and me was my favorite chapter of my life. I’m glad it happened, I’m glad we once crossed each other’s path. I’m forever thankful that you were once mine. Thank you for the memories, for the laughter, for the lessons and everything else. We might not understand the purpose of it right now, but eventually I know we will. Maybe you’re not mine to keep and that you just walked into my life to teach me some lessons. Everything will be clear in due time. It may hurt and we may shed a few tears, but eventually, everything will be alright. I know we can get through it. Time to heal, time to mend our broken hearts, and time to make a brand new start. I hope that years from now when we bump into each other again we’re both fine. My favorite chapter has now come to an end. But maybe, just maybe, we can consider a sequel.

Here’s to moving forward…

To My Future Forever Boy.

Wow, it’s crazy to think that I have spent years wishing that I could just meet you already.

Maybe I have, but maybe neither of us has realized we’re meant to be together yet.

I just want to say thank you in advance for putting up with my crazy self. I’m not easy to love, but I am most definitely worth it.

Like most people, I have been through a lot of things. I don’t open up or trust easily, so please patient with me.

I don’t mean to push you away, I’m just always scared of getting hurt. So many people have left me. These days, I sort of just suspect it.

Thank you for praying with me. This means so much that you’ll take the time out of your day and pray for my family, our lives, and everyone that needs help.

This is a big deal to me that my husband has similar beliefs to me. So thank you.

It’s crazy to think that maybe in two years or maybe in ten, we will be together, learning each other as the days go by.

 I am not trying to rush to find you, I am simply just excited for when that day comes.

I promise I will always love you and keep you close.

I will never purposely hurt you and I will never leave your side when things get rough. I won’t lie to you or treat you badly.

I will always make sure your happy, and do whatever it takes to cheer you up when you’re not. I promise to always be your best friend.

So thank you for being my person.

To My Grandfather.

I think about you constantly.

I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine all of the things you’d say. I imagine all of the different adventures we would have gone on.

I wonder who I would be if you were here. I wonder what we would all be like. I think about all of the different ways things would’ve turned out with you in our lives.

I miss you all the time. I miss you so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think of you, as though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with a band-aid that gets old and falls off more often than not.

I know you’d hate it, but I still cry for you. I still sit up at night and wish that you were here. I still talk to you and ask you for advice.

I can’t help but want you here. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on.

I have your picture everywhere. I think it’s because I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget your face.

God… I hope that never happens.

I still remember your voice. I remember things you said, but it’s been so long that your voice is starting to fade from memory.

I refuse to let you fade completely.

I won’t do that to myself. You are the memory that I cling to when things get bad. You are the hope I hold onto when things get dark.

I need you, and your memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive for you.

I will carry you in my heart wherever I go in life. I will petition God to have you as my guardian angel if that’s what it takes to keep you with me. 

I know that you are up there watching me. I know you look down and keep guard over me.

I can only hope that I’m making you proud. I can only hope that I’m what you imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that you’re smiling at me and not up there shaking your head.

I won’t hope that you miss me as much as I miss you, because missing you is painful. Missing someone is too painful for Heaven to allow inside its gates. It’s too painful for me to wish on anyone, especially you.

I love you.

And I miss you more than you’ll ever realize.

I’m Sorry I acted Crazy While You Treated Me Like Shit.

Let me just start this by saying I am so sorry I acted so crazy; I don’t know what got into me. At first, I thought maybe it was because you treated me like shit all the time, but then I thought “No way! It’s gotta be me.” And I am so, so sorry for ever assuming otherwise.

It’s probably because I’m just a crazy girl with a crazy hormonal brain that processes information and reacts to it. Like remember that time when I asked you not to make comments about my appearance and then you did and I got super upset? That was so out of line of me to have a feeling and I should have a thicker skin. I was out of line and I really hope you’re able to forgive me for that.

And I should apologize for the time I really went off after I saw you flirting with those girls, you know, the ones you exchanged numbers with on Facebook and told them you were missing them? No, not that girl, the other girl. You know, the one who you said was prettier than me? How insane was I to be upset by you accidentally blatantly disrespecting me in front of my face? Obviously you weren’t doing anything wrong on purpose! Silly me, what a psycho! I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t locked me up on a funny farm yet the way I fly off the handle!

I have to reiterate that I am really sorry.

And remember that time I had a feeling about the way the things you did affected me?! That must’ve been so awful for you and I will try not to put you through it again. Please resume ignoring my concerns because, as we both know, they are ridiculous.

But by far, the craziest I get is when I want to be treated with respect. There must be a straightjacket somewhere with my name on it! Weeooo weeoo, that’s the sound of the ambulance that’s on its way to take me to my special padded room! I am sorry you had to deal with me!

So I guess what I’m trying to do is simply apologize. I hope that next time you treat me like a piece of street trash, you’re able to forgive me when I react like that’s a bad thing. There is no way you could’ve known I don’t like to be treated that way. How could you know?! Sorry, I can be so dramatic sometimes.

 

Oh and sorry for apologizing so many times!

I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Hold Back From Texting You.

I want to talk to you, but I refuse to be the only person that tries. I don’t want to give you any more power over me.

I’m not allowed to text you. I don’t allow myself to check your social media. I’m not allowed to look through our old conversations or imagine what would happen if we ran into each other.

But I break all my own rules.

I understand that I should be over you by now, but I can’t get used to the idea of referring to you in the past tense. I still want you in my future.

I keep dreaming about you, late at night and during long drives in my car. You’re lodged in the back of my mind.

Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself back from texting you. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to know what you’ve been doing. Who you’ve been hanging around with.

Most of all, I want you to remember that I exist. I want you to see my name pop up on your phone screen, so I know that I actually crossed your mind that day. I want you to relive the memories that I live every damn night. I want you to miss me.

You must not, though. If you aren’t reaching out to me, then it means you’ve wiped me from your mind. You’ve forgotten how much fun we used to have. Or maybe I’m glorifying our past. Maybe you never liked me as much as I thought you did.

Either way, I know it’s only a matter of time until I crack and contact you. Until I break my streak of acting like you’re a stranger.

Of course, I don’t know what texting you is going to accomplish. It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to magically make you care. I know that you don’t. You probably never did.

That’s why I keep telling myself to wait. Wait another day. Wait another week. Wait until next month, at least. Keep waiting until the waiting stops feeling painful — but it never stops.

I always wonder when you last checked my social media, which pictures you’ve seen. I wonder if there’s been a day when you wanted to talk to me, but thought better of it. I wonder if you regret letting me go or if you feel like you did the right thing.

I wonder what the hell you think of me, if you think of me at all.

It’s so hard to stop myself from texting you, because I miss you like mad. But I’m trying my hardest to make sure you never know that.

You Are My Hardest Goodbye.

The only goodbye that’s ever been difficult. This may be the closest to goodbye I’ll ever get.

Effacing you from my mind may not ever happen when the roots of hope had grasped so deep into my dreams. And how hopeful I was, and still am. The moment nostalgia touches your body, you only message me to ask for something. Something so utterly banal and meaningless. As if I were Siri. Some animated voice that reminded you of a past you no longer cared about. You wanted something. Not me.

Instead, the message should have read, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry this still hurts. You never deserved that.  I really love you, but I’m just too scared of all this. I’m sorry.

You weren’t strong enough for us. For the real thing.

Instead, you said – I don’t love you anymore. I can’t be with you. You’re too dependent, overbearing. When autonomy and self-confidence are my main personality traits, you gave me lies as reasons instead of the truth for peace of mind. So your words, naturally, clawed at my insides.

How can you live with yourself when the boy you love doesn’t want you? Your dream doesn’t want to be chased by you.

Weeks go by. You don’t want me. But, you miss talking. Miss joking with my mouth and mind. Miss this person you remembered inside this body.

Months go by. You told me you wanted me, you said we still have a chance to fix this. We just need time and space. You wanted this body of mine. But I thought you could never love me? I thought you didn’t want to hold these hips between your hands? Making my self-worth fall like sand, slipping between your fingers that couldn’t hold up my heart for more than a second. Despite that, I still chose to plant my life onto your fingertips.

In anticipation, of being the one and only, my mind built thorny dreams around my heart. Cutting down those lofty dreams meant being brutally damaged in the process.

You’ve got a lover now. How could my mind, heart, soul and body match up to the reality that you wanted someone else. I trained. Spoke. Wrote. Danced. Touched. Breathed. Laughed and Cried. I loved and loved and loved, praying for the world to love me back so that you might love me again. So I could finally put a crown onto my head before I fell asleep each night.

I can’t touch the reality. Can’t bring myself across this invisible wall between the memory of you loving me and the way things actually are. I still love you. If I’m here, and you won’t even speak to me, how can I come to terms with all of this?

If this isn’t love then why does my body ache for you and my heart just want to be wrapped up in all of you? I can’t erase the magic of your eyes on me, your mouth on mine. The image of you is so intoxicating I’d let myself drown in you.

Maybe it’s best we don’t meet. Maybe it’s best that you never lay your eyes on this body or listen to this mind again because it would fall from my lips like rain off a flower petal.

I love you. And I’ll love you till the end.

You’ve been running across my mind for so long I forgot which way was up or down. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Maybe all I can hope for is to be a single petal floating in the wind – hoping to land on a kind stranger’s hand that lets me stay there for a while until we’re both ready to let go, as equals.

I Was Never Warned.

They never told me that falling in love would feel like falling off of a 24-story building, if it goes wrong, that you are always the heartbroken, never the heartbreaker. They never told me that “I love you” and “I’m lonely” are more often than not the same thing.

They don’t tell you that most nights you won’t sleep, and if you do, you’ll wake up screaming his name, or that you will stop eating, because you think maybe if you lost weight you’d be worthy of his love and attention.

They tell you that falling in love is special, and amazing, like nothing else you will ever experience, but how special and amazing is it when I’m lying on my bedroom floor, numbed by the pain he left in his wake, with blood stained wrists and the effects of alcohol clouding my thoughts?

They tell you the first time you fall in love, you won’t ever forget it, and maybe they’re right about that, because I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way his hands burned my skin when he touched me.