To My Future Forever Boy.

Wow, it’s crazy to think that I have spent years wishing that I could just meet you already.

Maybe I have, but maybe neither of us has realized we’re meant to be together yet.

I just want to say thank you in advance for putting up with my crazy self. I’m not easy to love, but I am most definitely worth it.

Like most people, I have been through a lot of things. I don’t open up or trust easily, so please patient with me.

I don’t mean to push you away, I’m just always scared of getting hurt. So many people have left me. These days, I sort of just suspect it.

Thank you for praying with me. This means so much that you’ll take the time out of your day and pray for my family, our lives, and everyone that needs help.

This is a big deal to me that my husband has similar beliefs to me. So thank you.

It’s crazy to think that maybe in two years or maybe in ten, we will be together, learning each other as the days go by.

 I am not trying to rush to find you, I am simply just excited for when that day comes.

I promise I will always love you and keep you close.

I will never purposely hurt you and I will never leave your side when things get rough. I won’t lie to you or treat you badly.

I will always make sure your happy, and do whatever it takes to cheer you up when you’re not. I promise to always be your best friend.

So thank you for being my person.

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To My Grandfather.

I think about you constantly.

I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine all of the things you’d say. I imagine all of the different adventures we would have gone on.

I wonder who I would be if you were here. I wonder what we would all be like. I think about all of the different ways things would’ve turned out with you in our lives.

I miss you all the time. I miss you so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think of you, as though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with a band-aid that gets old and falls off more often than not.

I know you’d hate it, but I still cry for you. I still sit up at night and wish that you were here. I still talk to you and ask you for advice.

I can’t help but want you here. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on.

I have your picture everywhere. I think it’s because I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget your face.

God… I hope that never happens.

I still remember your voice. I remember things you said, but it’s been so long that your voice is starting to fade from memory.

I refuse to let you fade completely.

I won’t do that to myself. You are the memory that I cling to when things get bad. You are the hope I hold onto when things get dark.

I need you, and your memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive for you.

I will carry you in my heart wherever I go in life. I will petition God to have you as my guardian angel if that’s what it takes to keep you with me. 

I know that you are up there watching me. I know you look down and keep guard over me.

I can only hope that I’m making you proud. I can only hope that I’m what you imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that you’re smiling at me and not up there shaking your head.

I won’t hope that you miss me as much as I miss you, because missing you is painful. Missing someone is too painful for Heaven to allow inside its gates. It’s too painful for me to wish on anyone, especially you.

I love you.

And I miss you more than you’ll ever realize.

I’m Sorry I acted Crazy While You Treated Me Like Shit.

Let me just start this by saying I am so sorry I acted so crazy; I don’t know what got into me. At first, I thought maybe it was because you treated me like shit all the time, but then I thought “No way! It’s gotta be me.” And I am so, so sorry for ever assuming otherwise.

It’s probably because I’m just a crazy girl with a crazy hormonal brain that processes information and reacts to it. Like remember that time when I asked you not to make comments about my appearance and then you did and I got super upset? That was so out of line of me to have a feeling and I should have a thicker skin. I was out of line and I really hope you’re able to forgive me for that.

And I should apologize for the time I really went off after I saw you flirting with those girls, you know, the ones you exchanged numbers with on Facebook and told them you were missing them? No, not that girl, the other girl. You know, the one who you said was prettier than me? How insane was I to be upset by you accidentally blatantly disrespecting me in front of my face? Obviously you weren’t doing anything wrong on purpose! Silly me, what a psycho! I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t locked me up on a funny farm yet the way I fly off the handle!

I have to reiterate that I am really sorry.

And remember that time I had a feeling about the way the things you did affected me?! That must’ve been so awful for you and I will try not to put you through it again. Please resume ignoring my concerns because, as we both know, they are ridiculous.

But by far, the craziest I get is when I want to be treated with respect. There must be a straightjacket somewhere with my name on it! Weeooo weeoo, that’s the sound of the ambulance that’s on its way to take me to my special padded room! I am sorry you had to deal with me!

So I guess what I’m trying to do is simply apologize. I hope that next time you treat me like a piece of street trash, you’re able to forgive me when I react like that’s a bad thing. There is no way you could’ve known I don’t like to be treated that way. How could you know?! Sorry, I can be so dramatic sometimes.

 

Oh and sorry for apologizing so many times!

I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Hold Back From Texting You.

I want to talk to you, but I refuse to be the only person that tries. I don’t want to give you any more power over me.

I’m not allowed to text you. I don’t allow myself to check your social media. I’m not allowed to look through our old conversations or imagine what would happen if we ran into each other.

But I break all my own rules.

I understand that I should be over you by now, but I can’t get used to the idea of referring to you in the past tense. I still want you in my future.

I keep dreaming about you, late at night and during long drives in my car. You’re lodged in the back of my mind.

Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself back from texting you. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to know what you’ve been doing. Who you’ve been hanging around with.

Most of all, I want you to remember that I exist. I want you to see my name pop up on your phone screen, so I know that I actually crossed your mind that day. I want you to relive the memories that I live every damn night. I want you to miss me.

You must not, though. If you aren’t reaching out to me, then it means you’ve wiped me from your mind. You’ve forgotten how much fun we used to have. Or maybe I’m glorifying our past. Maybe you never liked me as much as I thought you did.

Either way, I know it’s only a matter of time until I crack and contact you. Until I break my streak of acting like you’re a stranger.

Of course, I don’t know what texting you is going to accomplish. It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to magically make you care. I know that you don’t. You probably never did.

That’s why I keep telling myself to wait. Wait another day. Wait another week. Wait until next month, at least. Keep waiting until the waiting stops feeling painful — but it never stops.

I always wonder when you last checked my social media, which pictures you’ve seen. I wonder if there’s been a day when you wanted to talk to me, but thought better of it. I wonder if you regret letting me go or if you feel like you did the right thing.

I wonder what the hell you think of me, if you think of me at all.

It’s so hard to stop myself from texting you, because I miss you like mad. But I’m trying my hardest to make sure you never know that.

You Are My Hardest Goodbye.

The only goodbye that’s ever been difficult. This may be the closest to goodbye I’ll ever get.

Effacing you from my mind may not ever happen when the roots of hope had grasped so deep into my dreams. And how hopeful I was, and still am. The moment nostalgia touches your body, you only message me to ask for something. Something so utterly banal and meaningless. As if I were Siri. Some animated voice that reminded you of a past you no longer cared about. You wanted something. Not me.

Instead, the message should have read, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry this still hurts. You never deserved that.  I really love you, but I’m just too scared of all this. I’m sorry.

You weren’t strong enough for us. For the real thing.

Instead, you said – I don’t love you anymore. I can’t be with you. You’re too dependent, overbearing. When autonomy and self-confidence are my main personality traits, you gave me lies as reasons instead of the truth for peace of mind. So your words, naturally, clawed at my insides.

How can you live with yourself when the boy you love doesn’t want you? Your dream doesn’t want to be chased by you.

Weeks go by. You don’t want me. But, you miss talking. Miss joking with my mouth and mind. Miss this person you remembered inside this body.

Months go by. You told me you wanted me, you said we still have a chance to fix this. We just need time and space. You wanted this body of mine. But I thought you could never love me? I thought you didn’t want to hold these hips between your hands? Making my self-worth fall like sand, slipping between your fingers that couldn’t hold up my heart for more than a second. Despite that, I still chose to plant my life onto your fingertips.

In anticipation, of being the one and only, my mind built thorny dreams around my heart. Cutting down those lofty dreams meant being brutally damaged in the process.

You’ve got a lover now. How could my mind, heart, soul and body match up to the reality that you wanted someone else. I trained. Spoke. Wrote. Danced. Touched. Breathed. Laughed and Cried. I loved and loved and loved, praying for the world to love me back so that you might love me again. So I could finally put a crown onto my head before I fell asleep each night.

I can’t touch the reality. Can’t bring myself across this invisible wall between the memory of you loving me and the way things actually are. I still love you. If I’m here, and you won’t even speak to me, how can I come to terms with all of this?

If this isn’t love then why does my body ache for you and my heart just want to be wrapped up in all of you? I can’t erase the magic of your eyes on me, your mouth on mine. The image of you is so intoxicating I’d let myself drown in you.

Maybe it’s best we don’t meet. Maybe it’s best that you never lay your eyes on this body or listen to this mind again because it would fall from my lips like rain off a flower petal.

I love you. And I’ll love you till the end.

You’ve been running across my mind for so long I forgot which way was up or down. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Maybe all I can hope for is to be a single petal floating in the wind – hoping to land on a kind stranger’s hand that lets me stay there for a while until we’re both ready to let go, as equals.

I Was Never Warned.

They never told me that falling in love would feel like falling off of a 24-story building, if it goes wrong, that you are always the heartbroken, never the heartbreaker. They never told me that “I love you” and “I’m lonely” are more often than not the same thing.

They don’t tell you that most nights you won’t sleep, and if you do, you’ll wake up screaming his name, or that you will stop eating, because you think maybe if you lost weight you’d be worthy of his love and attention.

They tell you that falling in love is special, and amazing, like nothing else you will ever experience, but how special and amazing is it when I’m lying on my bedroom floor, numbed by the pain he left in his wake, with blood stained wrists and the effects of alcohol clouding my thoughts?

They tell you the first time you fall in love, you won’t ever forget it, and maybe they’re right about that, because I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way his hands burned my skin when he touched me.

You Took Me For Granted.

Weeks has passed by, I still have questions which leads to a consistent state of confusion, and my broken heart still hasn’t healed.
I should’ve written this a long time ago but for some reasons, I did not.
You may not be the first person who broke my heart but you were my first love (now that makes it more heartbreaking). You gave me joy on my bad days, made me laugh uncontrollably when I didn’t even want to smile, but you made me cry in so many ways.
I loved you with all my heart, gave you the time only a few can afford, prioritized you more than anyone else—and these are written in past forms because we’re done. I still love you with all my heart, that will never change. But perhaps, I overslept and this was all just a dream. I thought you were my knight in shining armor who’ll save me from the hell where I’m being kept but I was completely wrong.
You were a rock I chose to hit my head with. It did hurt and I thought I wouldn’t be able to bear the pain but thank God, I did.
I had so many disappointments after what happened between us. I was disappointed because I invested my precious time into someone who doesn’t care at all. I was disappointed that I fell for all your lies and empty promises. I was disappointed because I exerted so much of my efforts to someone who does nothing but to take me for granted, and lastly, I was disappointed for loving you more than I did myself.
But do you know what’s more disappointing? It’s when I was too confident about your faithfulness in our relationship and trusted you too much then you broke my heart when you tried to flirt with some other girls.
Do you know what’s funny? It is when I chose to forgive you, to trust you again, and to hope that it won’t happen again but you did the crime, AGAIN. I thought I felt bad when you did it the first time but it was much worse when you committed the same mistake twice. This time, I lost all the confidence I had in myself and I’m still trying to bring back every piece of my identity.
Do you know what’s even more disturbing? It is when you don’t consider flirting as cheating. You had your countless reasons, but I guess I was too good to be true and since I was so head over heels to you, I forgave you, again. As I recall this event in our lives, I can really say now that I was too stupidly in love with you.
Moving forward, I’ve tried my best to erase the bitter memories of your “friendly encounters” with those other girls. I tried to love you with no doubts but trust me, it was really hard. I have trust issues, I doubt myself even more and I’ve became even more jealous and insecure. Do you know how powerful you were? You made me feel unwanted, unloved, and unworthy simultaneously. Now, did that made you feel so amazing? Did I help you in uplifting your manly ego?
I am not writing this now to feed you with all the pains I had when I was with you but to thank you, rather. I want to thank you for all the pains you’ve caused me for it made me stronger. I want to thank you for wasting my time because it made me realized how vital time is. I want to thank you for wasting the efforts I have exerted for you because I learned to choose the right people worthy of my efforts. Lastly, I want to thank you for taking me for granted because it’s the main reason why I have managed to revise my standards and made it a little bit higher to ensure my heart’s safety.
I am not blaming you for everything. I had my shortcomings along the way but I don’t think it’s a valid reason for you to commit infidelity. It’s not a valid reason to leave me for my dishonesty, when you were dishonest the whole time. Besides, it was always I that was always raising concerns about the issues in our relationship and you were always busy and didn’t have the capacity to spare some time to talk about it.
The world is so small and I know time will come that our paths will cross again. When that time happens, you’ll see the happiness in my eyes because I have already freed myself from the imprisonment of your chain of pain. I wish you no harm, but happiness. A piece of advice, if you ever love me again, love me the best way that you can but not the same way you did the first time because you have no idea how painful it was to be loved like that.

It’ll Always Be You.

It’s you, and will always be you no matter what.

I may sound so deeply and madly in love with you, but I don’t even care because whatever the situation is, it will always be you.

I’ve been through a lot before you came into my life. I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been cheated on so many times. I’ve cried rivers of tears because I have been shattered, rejected, and left looking foolish. My life is an ultimate disaster, a windy one, a life with too many storms, a life I never imagined that you would enter at some point.

And I remember how hard I prayed for changes in my life. For happiness to come soon, for me to have someone worthy of receiving my love, for you to stay once I found you, and for the storm to stop. God is really great in all aspects. Unexpectedly you came in to my life, and suddenly everything fell into place and it felt amazing.

Thank you for being the person that I could run to during the times that I wanted to give up. Thank you for never getting tired of me. Thank you for accepting the challenge and for fighting with me even if it wasn’t always fun. Thank you for accepting all the flaws that I have. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you to your family for being so loving and accepting. And thank you for loving me.

I wish I could thank you for staying with me, but you left… All I have now is an uncharted leap of blind faith and the promise you made of another chance once we’ve had some time and space. I’m praying so hard, every single day, that you meant those words. I pray that you’re a man of your word and that you keep this promise. God knows how bad I’m going to break if it was just cheap words to fill the awkward silence as you were leaving.

I love you. I always will.

It’s you within the storm, and it’ll still be you when the sun shines. I’ll love you till the end.

Just A Chance.

‪You can say I’m needy or too emotional but I’m not. I just wanted you and I wasn’t afraid to show it.‬

‪You can say I’m a little bit all over the place, I don’t know what I want, but I know I love you. I’m sure about you. I’m choosing you.‬

‪You can say I’m going to write about you to call you out, but you don’t know that you’re my muse and you’re my art.‬

‪You can say I have issues. I don’t come from a stable home, but I know how to make one. I know when I’ve found a home. You’re home and adventure all in one. ‬

‪You can say I’m eccentric, I’m bizarre and I’m not going to bend for anyone, but I’ll meet you halfway, I’ll understand you better than anyone can. I’ll understand your weird habits, your quirks and your details. I love details and I love yours.‬

‪You can say I’m a hopeless romantic, I’m unrealistic but I’ll love you unconditionally, I’ll show you that there’s nothing hopeless about my love. My love is full of hope, full of forgiveness and full of passion.‬

‪You keep making excuses to run away from me, you keep looking for reasons why it’s not going to work out or why it won’t make sense but I’m just ready to jump in with both feet, even if I have the same doubts and fears.‬

‪The difference between you and I is that you’re scared of what might happen if it doesn’t work out and I’m scared of what might happen if I let you go. You’re scared of staying and I’m scared of leaving. ‬

‪You can say I’m not the one. And maybe I’m not, but I’m worth the chance, I’m worth the risk, I’m worth every single minute you spend with me, because what I’ll give you is much more than what you see in me and the way I love you will live with you long after I’m gone. ‬

I Sabotage Myself.

Who doesn’t want their hand to be held? Who wouldn’t want good morning texts and goodnight kisses? But somewhere along the way, I’ve grown fearful. I’ve grown a little bit wary. And a little bit apprehensive. I’ve built a wall around my heart and push love away like it’s the plague.

I’ve been lied to. Used. Cheated on. Ditched for my best friend. Nothing is new to me anymore, nothing surprises me.  I stayed single for almost 2 years after my almost 7 year relationship ended. I was determined I was not going to get hurt again, ever.

Here’s where shit gets real dark. 

I’m not really interested in going on date after date with one random dude to the next. I don’t like small talk. I don’t do the whole ‘one night stand’ thing that my generation is obsessed with. First dates make me want to throw up, to be quite honest. My anxiety literally goes into full “flight” mode whenever someone even whispers the words ‘first date’. Also, I’m SUPER terrified of getting kidnapped/accidentally going on a first date with a serial killer.

Can you tell I’m an anxious person yet?

I let my mind ruin any possibility of love. I let my thoughts and my worries ruin the butterflies and the giddy feelings. I let my anxiety take the wheel. And I let it drive, while I sit back and close my eyes.

I run the moment before anything good can begin. I run in the other direction when someone is interested me. I run when I catch feelings. I shut the door on any opportunity that I see. And I don’t know why. 

I don’t know why I’m my worst enemy when it comes to love. I don’t know why I run. I don’t know what I’m so damn scared about. I don’t know why I take cover when someone smiles at me or asks me out.

I don’t know why I sabotaged the one thing that I deeply want. Him. It’s still him and I ruined it. I wholeheartedly believe I subconsciously done it on purpose; he loved me and I loved him, but I am terrified of love. 

My friends don’t really understand. They don’t understand how I could run from something that is good. Run from someone that is good.

Maybe I’m just afraid of falling in love. Maybe, I’m just afraid of finding love, and eventually losing it. Maybe I’m scared of losing control of my own heart again. Of letting it go wild.

Or maybe I’m just petrified of not being able to handle another loss. Another lost forever. Another broken piece. Another wound written on my heart. And maybe I’m petrified of losing myself. Again.