You Took Me For Granted.

Weeks has passed by, I still have questions which leads to a consistent state of confusion, and my broken heart still hasn’t healed.
I should’ve written this a long time ago but for some reasons, I did not.
You may not be the first person who broke my heart but you were my first love (now that makes it more heartbreaking). You gave me joy on my bad days, made me laugh uncontrollably when I didn’t even want to smile, but you made me cry in so many ways.
I loved you with all my heart, gave you the time only a few can afford, prioritized you more than anyone else—and these are written in past forms because we’re done. I still love you with all my heart, that will never change. But perhaps, I overslept and this was all just a dream. I thought you were my knight in shining armor who’ll save me from the hell where I’m being kept but I was completely wrong.
You were a rock I chose to hit my head with. It did hurt and I thought I wouldn’t be able to bear the pain but thank God, I did.
I had so many disappointments after what happened between us. I was disappointed because I invested my precious time into someone who doesn’t care at all. I was disappointed that I fell for all your lies and empty promises. I was disappointed because I exerted so much of my efforts to someone who does nothing but to take me for granted, and lastly, I was disappointed for loving you more than I did myself.
But do you know what’s more disappointing? It’s when I was too confident about your faithfulness in our relationship and trusted you too much then you broke my heart when you tried to flirt with some other girls.
Do you know what’s funny? It is when I chose to forgive you, to trust you again, and to hope that it won’t happen again but you did the crime, AGAIN. I thought I felt bad when you did it the first time but it was much worse when you committed the same mistake twice. This time, I lost all the confidence I had in myself and I’m still trying to bring back every piece of my identity.
Do you know what’s even more disturbing? It is when you don’t consider flirting as cheating. You had your countless reasons, but I guess I was too good to be true and since I was so head over heels to you, I forgave you, again. As I recall this event in our lives, I can really say now that I was too stupidly in love with you.
Moving forward, I’ve tried my best to erase the bitter memories of your “friendly encounters” with those other girls. I tried to love you with no doubts but trust me, it was really hard. I have trust issues, I doubt myself even more and I’ve became even more jealous and insecure. Do you know how powerful you were? You made me feel unwanted, unloved, and unworthy simultaneously. Now, did that made you feel so amazing? Did I help you in uplifting your manly ego?
I am not writing this now to feed you with all the pains I had when I was with you but to thank you, rather. I want to thank you for all the pains you’ve caused me for it made me stronger. I want to thank you for wasting my time because it made me realized how vital time is. I want to thank you for wasting the efforts I have exerted for you because I learned to choose the right people worthy of my efforts. Lastly, I want to thank you for taking me for granted because it’s the main reason why I have managed to revise my standards and made it a little bit higher to ensure my heart’s safety.
I am not blaming you for everything. I had my shortcomings along the way but I don’t think it’s a valid reason for you to commit infidelity. It’s not a valid reason to leave me for my dishonesty, when you were dishonest the whole time. Besides, it was always I that was always raising concerns about the issues in our relationship and you were always busy and didn’t have the capacity to spare some time to talk about it.
The world is so small and I know time will come that our paths will cross again. When that time happens, you’ll see the happiness in my eyes because I have already freed myself from the imprisonment of your chain of pain. I wish you no harm, but happiness. A piece of advice, if you ever love me again, love me the best way that you can but not the same way you did the first time because you have no idea how painful it was to be loved like that.

It’ll Always Be You.

It’s you, and will always be you no matter what.

I may sound so deeply and madly in love with you, but I don’t even care because whatever the situation is, it will always be you.

I’ve been through a lot before you came into my life. I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been cheated on so many times. I’ve cried rivers of tears because I have been shattered, rejected, and left looking foolish. My life is an ultimate disaster, a windy one, a life with too many storms, a life I never imagined that you would enter at some point.

And I remember how hard I prayed for changes in my life. For happiness to come soon, for me to have someone worthy of receiving my love, for you to stay once I found you, and for the storm to stop. God is really great in all aspects. Unexpectedly you came in to my life, and suddenly everything fell into place and it felt amazing.

Thank you for being the person that I could run to during the times that I wanted to give up. Thank you for never getting tired of me. Thank you for accepting the challenge and for fighting with me even if it wasn’t always fun. Thank you for accepting all the flaws that I have. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you to your family for being so loving and accepting. And thank you for loving me.

I wish I could thank you for staying with me, but you left… All I have now is an uncharted leap of blind faith and the promise you made of another chance once we’ve had some time and space. I’m praying so hard, every single day, that you meant those words. I pray that you’re a man of your word and that you keep this promise. God knows how bad I’m going to break if it was just cheap words to fill the awkward silence as you were leaving.

I love you. I always will.

It’s you within the storm, and it’ll still be you when the sun shines. I’ll love you till the end.

Just A Chance.

‪You can say I’m needy or too emotional but I’m not. I just wanted you and I wasn’t afraid to show it.‬

‪You can say I’m a little bit all over the place, I don’t know what I want, but I know I love you. I’m sure about you. I’m choosing you.‬

‪You can say I’m going to write about you to call you out, but you don’t know that you’re my muse and you’re my art.‬

‪You can say I have issues. I don’t come from a stable home, but I know how to make one. I know when I’ve found a home. You’re home and adventure all in one. ‬

‪You can say I’m eccentric, I’m bizarre and I’m not going to bend for anyone, but I’ll meet you halfway, I’ll understand you better than anyone can. I’ll understand your weird habits, your quirks and your details. I love details and I love yours.‬

‪You can say I’m a hopeless romantic, I’m unrealistic but I’ll love you unconditionally, I’ll show you that there’s nothing hopeless about my love. My love is full of hope, full of forgiveness and full of passion.‬

‪You keep making excuses to run away from me, you keep looking for reasons why it’s not going to work out or why it won’t make sense but I’m just ready to jump in with both feet, even if I have the same doubts and fears.‬

‪The difference between you and I is that you’re scared of what might happen if it doesn’t work out and I’m scared of what might happen if I let you go. You’re scared of staying and I’m scared of leaving. ‬

‪You can say I’m not the one. And maybe I’m not, but I’m worth the chance, I’m worth the risk, I’m worth every single minute you spend with me, because what I’ll give you is much more than what you see in me and the way I love you will live with you long after I’m gone. ‬

I Sabotage Myself.

Who doesn’t want their hand to be held? Who wouldn’t want good morning texts and goodnight kisses? But somewhere along the way, I’ve grown fearful. I’ve grown a little bit wary. And a little bit apprehensive. I’ve built a wall around my heart and push love away like it’s the plague.

I’ve been lied to. Used. Cheated on. Ditched for my best friend. Nothing is new to me anymore, nothing surprises me.  I stayed single for almost 2 years after my almost 7 year relationship ended. I was determined I was not going to get hurt again, ever.

Here’s where shit gets real dark. 

I’m not really interested in going on date after date with one random dude to the next. I don’t like small talk. I don’t do the whole ‘one night stand’ thing that my generation is obsessed with. First dates make me want to throw up, to be quite honest. My anxiety literally goes into full “flight” mode whenever someone even whispers the words ‘first date’. Also, I’m SUPER terrified of getting kidnapped/accidentally going on a first date with a serial killer.

Can you tell I’m an anxious person yet?

I let my mind ruin any possibility of love. I let my thoughts and my worries ruin the butterflies and the giddy feelings. I let my anxiety take the wheel. And I let it drive, while I sit back and close my eyes.

I run the moment before anything good can begin. I run in the other direction when someone is interested me. I run when I catch feelings. I shut the door on any opportunity that I see. And I don’t know why. 

I don’t know why I’m my worst enemy when it comes to love. I don’t know why I run. I don’t know what I’m so damn scared about. I don’t know why I take cover when someone smiles at me or asks me out.

I don’t know why I sabotaged the one thing that I deeply want. Him. It’s still him and I ruined it. I wholeheartedly believe I subconsciously done it on purpose; he loved me and I loved him, but I am terrified of love. 

My friends don’t really understand. They don’t understand how I could run from something that is good. Run from someone that is good.

Maybe I’m just afraid of falling in love. Maybe, I’m just afraid of finding love, and eventually losing it. Maybe I’m scared of losing control of my own heart again. Of letting it go wild.

Or maybe I’m just petrified of not being able to handle another loss. Another lost forever. Another broken piece. Another wound written on my heart. And maybe I’m petrified of losing myself. Again.