Before You Cheat On Her.

Before you cheat, know this:

You will break her.
Like the violent shattering of glass as it crashes to the ground.

You will not just break her heart.
You will break her trust.
You will break her spirit.
You will break her joy.
You will break her belief in love.
You will break her sense of self.

Before you cheat, know this:

She will not sleep—not through the night, as she counts the cracks in the walls at 3 am, seeking answers from a God she didn’t think she believed in.

She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind.
She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.

Before you cheat, know this:

It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You are smart,” as “but not smart enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough.”

It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.”

Before you cheat, know this:

She will cry.
She will sit at her desk until 7:30 pm too embarrassed by tears streaming silently down her face to get up and go.
She will curl into a ball on her best friend’s living room floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—and rather than tell her to get up, he will sit down next to her and say, “I’m here.”
She will get a lump in her throat anytime she walks past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely.

She will rage.
She will snap at friends, family and colleagues for no apparent reason at all. When they are stung by her anger, her cheeks will burn red with shame.

She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter—if only she were more, it would have made a difference.
She will throw a picture frame at the wall, and be too dumbfounded to clean the blood off her finger when she cuts it picking up the pieces.

She will scream into the wind by the river, wondering what she did to deserve feeling this way, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her.

She will not feel.
She will be turned by shock into the same stone she uses to build walls to keep people out.

She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible.

And then she will feel everything at once.
She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught—she will feel bewildered and betrayed.
She will feel foolish, frenetic, fraught and full of fear.
She will feel hate—toward you, toward them, toward herself.
She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet yearns to let go.

Before you cheat, know this:

She believed in you.
She believed in romance—and that a chivalrous manner meant chivalry in all manners of the heart.
She believed in honesty—and that being honest with your partner first meant being honest with yourself.
She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being gaslighted, nor played a fool.
She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do.
She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth.
She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between.

Before you cheat, know this:

These are all avoidable.
You have a choice.
You can choose to walk away.
You can choose to let her leave, on her own accord.
You can give her a choice.

But if you cheat, know this:

You will break her, but she will grow back stronger.

You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly in the dark.

You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards.
You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, release, and beauty in the breakdown.
You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition better than before.

You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again.

You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her.

I Thought I Moved On.

I thought I moved on; I haven’t been missing you– but sometimes, I hear a song come on about heartbreak or see a joke we used to laugh about and I feel vacant all over again. That is not moving on, and oh God, I think I’m far from it. Truthfully, right now, I miss you. I know we sometimes fought, but we made up every time. When I looked at you, I felt powerful. I felt really fucking powerful.

It was like snorting a line of coke, and if I’m being honest, I’d rather be sky high than home feeling so fucking used and washed up. Baby, I hope you know you’ve made a mistake.

I’m more than aware that I am problems simply existing in human skin, but you weren’t aware of what I would have done for the one I loved. You couldn’t see me past my anxiety and insecurities, but oh fuck, I was so much more. I was suffering and instead of helping me, you took it as a chance to manipulate me. I was the perfect victim for a puppet– but I’m not a fucking puppet, and I will make my own decisions– it’s just sad because I always chose you.

I always chose you, but you never chose me.

I know you will try to find me again. Even though you went to the girl with blond hair and you tried to find that same silly attitude and that same big heart. You wanted me, but you didn’t want the sadness, you didn’t want the mood swings, you didn’t want the insecurity. I was more bad than good to you. I guess to you, I came with too much baggage. I was a burden.

Well this burdened soul loved you. I loved you and you didn’t appreciate a damn thing. I could sit here and say I’ve moved on and you’re old news, but you’re not, not yet. You’re still in my dreams and every song on shuffle. You’re still every other thought. I just don’t want to seem so pathetic. Every time I hear certain songs I think of you, every time I see a guy with long hair I hope it’s you. It’s never you, but part of me always wants it to be.

I miss hearing you say you’re on your way home, and in no time you’d be at the door. You’re never at my door and it’s hard to get over that. Yes, I’m moving on, but it’s hard. It’s not even fair. You moved on quicker. I was the one who got their heart ripped from their fucking chest. I was the one swallowing twenty pills at a time, snorting coke on the bathroom counter and crying on the floor as I stained my favorite sheets.

I was the one who cried and cried and cried. I was the one who loved and cared more. Fuck, it’s not fair that you’re getting the happy ending. It’s not fair.

Just know that I loved you and you fucked me up. Just know that I wrote pages and pages about you, and you couldn’t even give me a text to say hello half of the time. Just know that you broke my heart, and don’t you dare forget me. If you do remember me years from now, don’t remember me as that ex that was just too sad or that one with too many problems. Don’t think of me as the one who made you so mad or the one who made you lash out. Remember me as the one who was full of pain, but laughed so hard. Remember me as the one who made the weird jokes and always managed to get a smile out of your frowning face. Remember me as the one that always stood up for you, no matter what it was about. Remember me as the one who kissed every part of your body and never let you go feeling lonely. Remember the good times because they weren’t all bad.

Remember me, please.

Trying To Let You Go.

Out of all the people I fell in love with, you were the one who I pictured a life with. Not any life, but the life I’ve always wanted. You were the one that I felt something with I have never felt before. You were the one where it made sense. You were the one of my dreams. You were a wish that came true too soon. A dream that turned to a nightmare, a disappointment, a heartache.

Please believe me when I say that I forgive you. 

I don’t hate you, but I most definitely hate the way you let me go. 

And I’ll never understand how easily you did it. I’ll never understand how flawlessly you forgot about me. But, I forgive you because I really loved you. I forgive you because I don’t want to give you power over the person I am and the future I could possibly have. I forgive you because I don’t need you to tell me what the truth is. I forgive you because that’s just who I am.
This is me letting you go. I’m accepting the fact that you don’t want me. That someday, you’ll be waking-up next to someone who isn’t me. And that someday you’ll be someone’s everything. I’m letting go of hope that you’ll contact me. I’m letting go of fantasizing that you’ll tell me you’re sorry about everything just one last time. That you’ll tell me how much you missed me, but most importantly, that you’ll show it. I’m letting go of my desire that you’ll let me in, not half-way, not sort of but completely. I’m letting go of me thinking that you’ll come back because it’s always been me. I’m letting you go. And it’s not because I don’t love you still.
I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I know that without you, I am not happy. I need to find my medium place where I am happy regardless. A place without memories of you in it, a place without a picture of you in it as well. I need to start over.
I’m letting you go because you gave-up. You gave-up on me, you gave-up on us, you gave-up on love. And so I get it when you said you had nothing to fight for. I’m letting you go because loving you has no meaning if it only pains me. Because I can’t tell what’s real anymore. And because it’s my last resort. I’m letting you go because slowly but surely you too, let me go. 

I Was A Maybe, You We’re My First Choice.

‪Falling in love with someone who is confused or unsure is probably one of the most damaging things you can involuntarily do. It’s setting yourself up for heartbreak and a future of always feeling not quite good enough; it’s admitting your feelings to someone and being given both hope and rejection in the same breath. It’s telling them you’ll wait when you’re not even sure what you’re waiting for; its sacrificing your self-worth, your dignity and your ability to ever be respected by them for that voice inside your head which tells you they will one day make up their mind, they will one day love you back in all of the ways you love them.‬

‪It is knowing from day one that they don’t care about you, but reading all of the signs which tell you they want you. It is too intense, it’s just a slip away from rose petal covered bed sheets and trips to Paris and then being told they don’t know what they want.‬

‪It’s realizing that it was never just about you, it was about everything, it was about the chase and the excitement and how forbidden it felt.‬

‪It was about standing on the edge of oblivion and getting the adrenline racing through his veins at the thought of pulling you into the bar toilets and screwing you.‬

It was simply only about him and what he needed- sex and flirtation and an empty escape from his life.‬

‪But for you, oh sweet girl, for you it was everything. It was the first day you laid eyes on him—his smile stretching across his too perfect face and making you feel things you had only ever read about. It was those excited texts to your friends about the hot new guy who had appeared in your life and discussing marriage and babies in that jokey way you always do when you become infatuated with someone new. It was trying to fit your life around the possibility of you becoming something, it was rearranging schedules just so you could spend another hour with him and that first night he held your hand. It was realizing all of the things you had in common and thinking to yourself, “this is it, he’s the one,” even though deep down you knew he would never be yours.‬

‪It was telling yourself that something this beautiful, this magical, this so damned near perfect had to work out because life couldn’t be that cruel.‬

‪But it was also those nights spent mindlessly watching your phone—waiting for his name to flash up and only getting a radio silence because he was with some other girl entirely. It was telling yourself time and time again that you were done, that you deserved to be more than a maybe, a late-night sext session, and then deleting his number, only to respond within two minutes when he started flirting again because you felt those fireworks exploding inside of you and they were so addictive, you were afraid of that emptiness when he stopped.‬

‪It was sending half-naked photos just to get his attention and then hating yourself when his response wasn’t what you wanted because that day. It was lying to everyone around you when they told you to stop, that it was killing you, that you were withdrawn and obsessed and falling apart. It was convincing yourself that you weren’t in love with him, that you just wanted a bit of fun because that’s all it ever was, but when you saw him again, you felt that rush of intense desire and chemistry, and you couldn’t deny it anymore because as much as you wished you could be okay with being his friend with benefits, you wanted to be his world.‬

‪It was playing the cool girl because you didn’t want him to think you can’t handle something emotionless and fun. It was taping your mouth shut when all you wanted to do was scream. It was crying yourself to sleep when he stopped replying to your texts, when he told you he wanted to be “just friends” even though yesterday he was smacking your ass and telling you you’re beautiful. It was forever trying to make sense of his mixed messages and supporting him when he was struggling, even though it was tearing you apart.‬

‪It’s wondering what in the hell is wrong with you, why you always fall for guys who don’t have room for you, for something real or serious, those men who just need a woman to comfort them when their life isn’t making sense.‬

‪It’s never feeling steady in any future relationship you have because you are just waiting for someone better than you to capture their eye because you know what men are capable of. It’s always feeling just that little bit worthless because you are always the girl who is not enough, who is only good for the sex and the 3am texts and the stolen kisses when no-one is looking.‬

‪It’s starting to believe that you will never be someone’s first choice, that you don’t deserve to be. It’s slowly feeling afraid of loving, of giving yourself to someone because you don’t know if they will give pieces of themselves back and more than that, it’s not knowing if there is even anything left to give.‬

‪It’s feeling broken and scarred, and not knowing a way back.

An Open Letter To The Guy That Destroyed Me.

Dear “You”,

In the very beginning, I didn’t want a relationship. I was so terrified of being hurt that I pushed you away, and told you that it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to keep my distance, and tried to avoid you as much as I possibly could.

That didn’t change anything though. You wore me down, and broke down every single wall that I had built around my heart to protect me.

At the time I thought you had just cared so much, and wanted to try at a relationship with me, but looking back I can see you just wanted to build me up in order for you to tear me right back down.

So, we dated, and at first I thought it was everything I could ever want. I was on cloud nine, and I thought I had made the right choice in letting you in.

I was wrong.

The truth is, you didn’t really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me and you loved what I could do for you. Maybe you loved having me around because I would do absolutely anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have destroyed me the way you did. That’s not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself.  I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn’t ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used to stay still echo inside of my head. “She’s prettier than you…I used you…The sex isn’t good…I don’t normally date girls your size…” Do you remember saying those words to me? I sure as hell do.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me.

You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn’t.

You destroyed me. And I hated you for it.

I hated you so much that the very thought of you made my blood boil. I was going  down a path I had never gone down before and it scared me. Everything you had put me through made me hate you so much that I became bitter. I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be, someone I was growing to hate.

So I tried to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you even deserved it. I tried to forgive you for myself. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren’t sorry.

I learned a lot in letting you go, so much that I couldn’t see because my world revolved around you completely.

The day you left me, it was the worst day of my life. But I see now that you saved me that day and I thank you for that. I was lost in loving you that I couldn’t see that you were only hurting me. With every text you had to hide, every lie you told, every girl you saw behind my back, and every harsh word you would speak to me, and somewhere down the road I accepted that it was what I deserved.

That saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” had never been so true in my life. I knew that I had to change. I needed to take a breather and get back to the girl I wanted to be, not the girl that I became in loving a monster.

I deserve so much more than you could have ever given me. Goodbye made me strong.

I really hope that one day you realize how badly you treated me.

I wish you lots of luck in whatever you’re doing now, and I hope that you’re not a douche forever.

Sincerely,

The girl you destroyed.

I’ll Never Regret That I Was Once Yours.

I’ll never regret that you were once my love. I have to admit that you once filled me up with more happiness than I thought was possible. You taught me how to love again and you made me feel loved, truly loved. The moment that I saw you I never thought that you’d bring so much happiness to my life. I wasn’t looking for anything at all when I met you and I had no plan to commit myself in a relationship. Things happened and I realized I was catching feelings for you, I already had you in my heart. I’ve learned a lot from you during the time of us being together. I was shattered and beyond broke, like I am yet again, but you made me whole. I was lost, but you made me find my way to life again. I was so scared to fall in love with you, but you gave me courage to take the risk.  So glad that I took the risk, I considered myself the luckiest girl alive for having you. I was having the time of my life just simply by being near you. You brought sunshine into my life, you were there for me every step of the way. You taught me how to be patient. You made me even stronger and you made my life a whole lot better. You’re the kind of guy that every girl would wish to have. You were once my champ, my MVP, my happy pill, my strength, my superman, my shopping buddy and my inspiration to keep going whenever I’m tired of living. In short, you were once my everything. I didn’t have enough time with you, but I never regret even a single moment of it.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, no matter how we want it to be. We had ups and downs. Our relationship is neither always a walk in the park nor a bed of roses. There are times that we would test each other. Sudden changes came our way, long fights took place; caught up by immaturity, jealousy, misunderstandings and other toxic things which lead us to unending arguments. We got conflicted in different points of view so much that we barely understood each other. We failed to work things out and now we have to live our life without each other. We have to go our own way, find ourselves and work on it. Those times when there was a you and me was my favorite chapter of my life. I’m glad it happened, I’m glad we once crossed each other’s path. I’m forever thankful that you were once mine. Thank you for the memories, for the laughter, for the lessons and everything else. We might not understand the purpose of it right now, but eventually I know we will. Maybe you’re not mine to keep and that you just walked into my life to teach me some lessons. Everything will be clear in due time. It may hurt and we may shed a few tears, but eventually, everything will be alright. I know we can get through it. Time to heal, time to mend our broken hearts, and time to make a brand new start. I hope that years from now when we bump into each other again we’re both fine. My favorite chapter has now come to an end. But maybe, just maybe, we can consider a sequel.

Here’s to moving forward…

To My Future Forever Boy.

Wow, it’s crazy to think that I have spent years wishing that I could just meet you already.

Maybe I have, but maybe neither of us has realized we’re meant to be together yet.

I just want to say thank you in advance for putting up with my crazy self. I’m not easy to love, but I am most definitely worth it.

Like most people, I have been through a lot of things. I don’t open up or trust easily, so please patient with me.

I don’t mean to push you away, I’m just always scared of getting hurt. So many people have left me. These days, I sort of just suspect it.

Thank you for praying with me. This means so much that you’ll take the time out of your day and pray for my family, our lives, and everyone that needs help.

This is a big deal to me that my husband has similar beliefs to me. So thank you.

It’s crazy to think that maybe in two years or maybe in ten, we will be together, learning each other as the days go by.

 I am not trying to rush to find you, I am simply just excited for when that day comes.

I promise I will always love you and keep you close.

I will never purposely hurt you and I will never leave your side when things get rough. I won’t lie to you or treat you badly.

I will always make sure your happy, and do whatever it takes to cheer you up when you’re not. I promise to always be your best friend.

So thank you for being my person.

To My Grandfather.

I think about you constantly.

I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine all of the things you’d say. I imagine all of the different adventures we would have gone on.

I wonder who I would be if you were here. I wonder what we would all be like. I think about all of the different ways things would’ve turned out with you in our lives.

I miss you all the time. I miss you so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think of you, as though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with a band-aid that gets old and falls off more often than not.

I know you’d hate it, but I still cry for you. I still sit up at night and wish that you were here. I still talk to you and ask you for advice.

I can’t help but want you here. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on.

I have your picture everywhere. I think it’s because I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget your face.

God… I hope that never happens.

I still remember your voice. I remember things you said, but it’s been so long that your voice is starting to fade from memory.

I refuse to let you fade completely.

I won’t do that to myself. You are the memory that I cling to when things get bad. You are the hope I hold onto when things get dark.

I need you, and your memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive for you.

I will carry you in my heart wherever I go in life. I will petition God to have you as my guardian angel if that’s what it takes to keep you with me. 

I know that you are up there watching me. I know you look down and keep guard over me.

I can only hope that I’m making you proud. I can only hope that I’m what you imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that you’re smiling at me and not up there shaking your head.

I won’t hope that you miss me as much as I miss you, because missing you is painful. Missing someone is too painful for Heaven to allow inside its gates. It’s too painful for me to wish on anyone, especially you.

I love you.

And I miss you more than you’ll ever realize.

I’m Sorry I acted Crazy While You Treated Me Like Shit.

Let me just start this by saying I am so sorry I acted so crazy; I don’t know what got into me. At first, I thought maybe it was because you treated me like shit all the time, but then I thought “No way! It’s gotta be me.” And I am so, so sorry for ever assuming otherwise.

It’s probably because I’m just a crazy girl with a crazy hormonal brain that processes information and reacts to it. Like remember that time when I asked you not to make comments about my appearance and then you did and I got super upset? That was so out of line of me to have a feeling and I should have a thicker skin. I was out of line and I really hope you’re able to forgive me for that.

And I should apologize for the time I really went off after I saw you flirting with those girls, you know, the ones you exchanged numbers with on Facebook and told them you were missing them? No, not that girl, the other girl. You know, the one who you said was prettier than me? How insane was I to be upset by you accidentally blatantly disrespecting me in front of my face? Obviously you weren’t doing anything wrong on purpose! Silly me, what a psycho! I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t locked me up on a funny farm yet the way I fly off the handle!

I have to reiterate that I am really sorry.

And remember that time I had a feeling about the way the things you did affected me?! That must’ve been so awful for you and I will try not to put you through it again. Please resume ignoring my concerns because, as we both know, they are ridiculous.

But by far, the craziest I get is when I want to be treated with respect. There must be a straightjacket somewhere with my name on it! Weeooo weeoo, that’s the sound of the ambulance that’s on its way to take me to my special padded room! I am sorry you had to deal with me!

So I guess what I’m trying to do is simply apologize. I hope that next time you treat me like a piece of street trash, you’re able to forgive me when I react like that’s a bad thing. There is no way you could’ve known I don’t like to be treated that way. How could you know?! Sorry, I can be so dramatic sometimes.

 

Oh and sorry for apologizing so many times!

I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Hold Back From Texting You.

I want to talk to you, but I refuse to be the only person that tries. I don’t want to give you any more power over me.

I’m not allowed to text you. I don’t allow myself to check your social media. I’m not allowed to look through our old conversations or imagine what would happen if we ran into each other.

But I break all my own rules.

I understand that I should be over you by now, but I can’t get used to the idea of referring to you in the past tense. I still want you in my future.

I keep dreaming about you, late at night and during long drives in my car. You’re lodged in the back of my mind.

Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself back from texting you. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to know what you’ve been doing. Who you’ve been hanging around with.

Most of all, I want you to remember that I exist. I want you to see my name pop up on your phone screen, so I know that I actually crossed your mind that day. I want you to relive the memories that I live every damn night. I want you to miss me.

You must not, though. If you aren’t reaching out to me, then it means you’ve wiped me from your mind. You’ve forgotten how much fun we used to have. Or maybe I’m glorifying our past. Maybe you never liked me as much as I thought you did.

Either way, I know it’s only a matter of time until I crack and contact you. Until I break my streak of acting like you’re a stranger.

Of course, I don’t know what texting you is going to accomplish. It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to magically make you care. I know that you don’t. You probably never did.

That’s why I keep telling myself to wait. Wait another day. Wait another week. Wait until next month, at least. Keep waiting until the waiting stops feeling painful — but it never stops.

I always wonder when you last checked my social media, which pictures you’ve seen. I wonder if there’s been a day when you wanted to talk to me, but thought better of it. I wonder if you regret letting me go or if you feel like you did the right thing.

I wonder what the hell you think of me, if you think of me at all.

It’s so hard to stop myself from texting you, because I miss you like mad. But I’m trying my hardest to make sure you never know that.